You smell like stripper and shame
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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