The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
