Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he thought i was a dude.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
