Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
