well you can't waste a boner
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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