A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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