Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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