There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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