I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize