I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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