are you still at the devil's house?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
