I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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