Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
