On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
