When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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