the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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