I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
