it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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