What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Randomize
