so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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