when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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