How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
