her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just had sex on a roof
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
