If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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