my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
