the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i think my mom watched the whole time
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
