the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
