I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
