you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
