I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Ladies don't puke and tell
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
