We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
