my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
