The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
