Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
