Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
