The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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