This is not my ceiling
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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