I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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