We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
