You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
