it's not cheating when I paid for it
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
