How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize