im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
