Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
