If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize