The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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