my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
