That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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