homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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