Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
