Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
