I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
