Quick, to the slutcave!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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