my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
