I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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