It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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