so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
